I just came back from Madtown Kinkfest in Madison, WI. It was wonderfully amazing.
I digress... during the course of the weekend, Saturday night to be exact, I managed to have an incredible scene involving some activities I had never encountered before. The theme of the scene was centered on molestation, abuse of power, and incest.
Leaving that alone (I understand that kind of play isn't for everyone, and don't want to go into specifics about the scene itself) it also involved a degree of verbal degradation, which I have never before used in play. I am usually the kind of player who enjoys encouraging, nurturing communication.
For this scene however, that kind of language would have been totally inappropriate. He used a large degree of physical force to get me to submit, and after a while, I was exhausted. I fought him as hard as I could, but even I have a breaking point. As I lay there, motionless, breathing heavy, unable to resist him any longer; he leaned in against me and whispered "right, just lay there. You can't fight anymore because you are weak, useless, worthless."
Those words in context to the scene made me feel even more ashamed at what I was letting him do to me. I was on the verge of tears several times because I indeed felt weak, but I couldn't let him see. I told myself if I let him hear or see me cry that it would motivate him to do this over and over again, that he would know he could, because I am a vulnerable, pathetic victim. It was really emotionally challenging and intense for me. It took me to a deep level of subspace that I couldn't escape.
It took a while before I could actually open my eyes and talk to him. Even then as I lay there beside him I didn't feel fully conscious. I believe the abuse of power and physical nature of the scene really got to me. I want to do this kind of play even more. I like to be active physically, and the use of force is something that I instantly fell in love with. I like the struggle, and drama of it.