Imperfect

The ever popular: 30 Days of Kink

Day 17

Q: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

A: BDSM is not abuse. I cannot stress that enough. It is a misconception held by many of those who do not understand it. I say: if you don’t get it, don’t like it, then don’t presume to have an opinion on it.

Odd thing about this image, I had chosen it months ago when I first started writing 30 days of kink. I never found black eyes to be particularly provocative, well not before I had one of my own, anyway. A black eye on a woman tends to be the red flag for “I’m a victim.” That is just an observation of American society, and it is a frame of mind that I gave into in the past. Especially coming from a background of abuse.

My first, and only black eye (I hope) emerged not from a fight, or abuse, but a scene. I did not intend for it to happen. It was a complete accident, and that is the truth. Yes, it was hard to ignore when I came back from the bubble of BDSM, where practically everyone knew the true story, to the haze of vanilla existence.

I felt proud, because it was epic. I felt damn lucky, because no bones were broken. I felt cautious, because I knew some if not most of the people who saw it would be thinking that I am abused. The last straw came from a stranger on Fetlife, where most of us don the umbrella slogan of “your kink is not my kink,” and move on with our lives. However, this stranger thought they would create a scene, within a scene, by announcing that the photo I had posted of my glaring statement of awesome to be abuse.

Accidents happen everywhere. In our world, precautions are taken to create a safe space for what we do, and sometimes precautions fall short. It does not mean that the scene, activity, or persons involved were unsafe. We live in an imperfect world, full of blunt objects. At some point, you’re bound to walk into one.

A degree of difficulty

The ever popular: 30 Days of Kink 

Day 16

Q: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

A: I believe the hardest part is that I am interested in so many different aspects of the lifestyle that no one person can fulfill all of my needs. For the longest time, within the first year or so of my exploration, I lusted for the Top/Dom/Master who would fulfill all of my needs, and in turn I would serve him with pride and love.

Unfortunately, my interests vary so much that not one person can do it all. I like bondage, impact play, age play, etc., etc. For example: I met someone who was into spanking. He devoted himself to it almost completely, and had difficulty playing outside of that specific activity. So then what can I do when I want indulge in needle play? Sure, I can pool resources from the community to do it on the off time, and that is something I have done in the past, but what if my partner isn’t comfortable with that?

These are questions that plagued me. I felt guilty that I wanted to play with more than one person, to explore what I like with different personalities, and in different dynamics. It took four years until I became comfortable with non-monogamy. I’ve become comfortable with seeking out multiple play partners and often doing the same activity in different ways, or taking it a step further in intensity.

In general, individuals are pretty open to playing with other people, outside of a lasting relationship to educate, or just have fun. That isn’t an issue. However, the problem I have found is, how do I take that from an often casual play partner dynamic to a relationship, and still communicate my needs to play outside of the relationship? It’s something I have yet to be confronted by. It may be obvious by the amount of rhetorical questions in this response, that I am still not so sure myself.

Whoa, that was intense!

I just came back from Madtown Kinkfest in Madison, WI. It was wonderfully amazing.

I digress... during the course of the weekend, Saturday night to be exact, I managed to have an incredible scene involving some activities I had never encountered before. The theme of the scene was centered on molestation, abuse of power, and incest.

Leaving that alone (I understand that kind of play isn't for everyone, and don't want to go into specifics about the scene itself) it also involved a degree of verbal degradation, which I have never before used in play. I am usually the kind of player who enjoys encouraging, nurturing communication.

For this scene however, that kind of language would have been totally inappropriate. He used a large degree of physical force to get me to submit, and after a while, I was exhausted. I fought him as hard as I could, but even I have a breaking point. As I lay there, motionless, breathing heavy, unable to resist him any longer; he leaned in against me and whispered "right, just lay there. You can't fight anymore because you are weak, useless, worthless."

Those words in context to the scene made me feel even more ashamed at what I was letting him do to me. I was on the verge of tears several times because I indeed felt weak, but I couldn't let him see. I told myself if I let him hear or see me cry that it would motivate him to do this over and over again, that he would know he could, because I am a vulnerable, pathetic victim. It was really emotionally challenging and intense for me. It took me to a deep level of subspace that I couldn't escape.

It took a while before I could actually open my eyes and talk to him. Even then as I lay there beside him I didn't feel fully conscious. I believe the abuse of power and physical nature of the scene really got to me. I want to do this kind of play even more. I like to be active physically, and the use of force is something that I instantly fell in love with. I like the struggle, and drama of it.